Conversations For Transformation:
Essays Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard
Conversations For Transformation
Essays By Laurence Platt
Inspired By The Ideas Of Werner Erhard
And More
Futile Like A Freedom
Exertec Health and Fitness Center,
Napa,
California, USA
October 16, 2012
"It's much easier to ride
the horse
in the direction he's going."
...
This essay,
Futile Like A Freedom,
is the fourth in the complete group of
Experiences Of A Friend
(click
here
for the open group
Experiences Of A Friend II):
"It's futile Laurence" he says to me. Disbelieving, my first
words
in quick response are "No it's not!".
The way it goes with me from time to time is I'll share
transformation
with people, with
friends,
with my family. Sometimes I'll share explicitly in
words
ie in
language,
in
face to face
conversations. Sometimes I'll share simply in my demeanor
ie in the way I'm being. Sometimes I'll share by asking pertinent
questions which, if the listener is open to it and amenable to being
with the questions, touch
the heart
of an area where
transformation
isn't forthcoming. In this regard, "What did you make (what happened)
mean?" and "What significance did you add to (what happened)?" are
great questions.
One of the things I've noticed (and keep coming back to) about my
experience of
transformation
is it's just secondarily validated by me, by the simple fact I'm
experiencing it, and by what I say about (which is to say what I
share about) my experience of it. Because
transformationcomes
alive
when it's shared (and listen: arguably
transformation
is onlyalive
when it's shared - but that's a subject for another conversation on
another occasion), my experience of
transformation
is primarily validated when my sharing it is gotten by others,
and / or when my pertinent questions are engaged with and
create
value for others.
Werner
distinguishes three components of an
upset.
Axiomatically, any one or any two or all three are present in
any
upset:
a thwarted intention;
an unfulfilled expectation;
an undelivered communication.
Any
upset
is always a reminder of an earlier, similar incident - no
exceptions. Distinguishing ie telling the truth about
the components of the
upset,
releases the
upset,
creating
a
clearing,
a new freedom.
When I intend to share
transformation
and there's no listening for it (which is to say when I'm not being
responsible for
creating
listening for it), when I expect sharing
transformation
will
create
value for others and it doesn't (because I don't
create
value, or
because I do
and they don't say / acknowledge it
creates
value for them, or simply because they
resist
... as people do, you know ...), when I fail to deliver the essential
communication of
transformation
(in addition to the potency of the experience of
transformation
itself, the essential communication of
transformation is "I love
you" ...), then to a greater or a lesser degree, there's potential for
an
upset
for me.
In resolving a situation like this, what I find
deadly
is having
being upset
center around them not getting my intention, and / or
around them unexpectedly not appreciating what I offer,
and / or around them not getting my communication ... as
if they're to blame for me
being upset.
Werner's three components dissect the experience of the
upset.
As for who's to blame for the upset, that's merely of
passing
interest.
But it's a passing
interest
which distracts from releasing the
upset.
I'm clear I'm
upset.
But I'm blaming people for it. And that's what he and I are speaking
about.
This is when he smiles - fortunately for me I'm not on
it so much that I can't see he's smiling from compassion for
me being naïve (kinda
stoopid
actually) - and says "It's futile Laurence.". And for sure, my reflex,
snap back, rubber band response is "No it's not!".
adjective
achieving no result; not effective or successful
<unquote>
Then I see it. I see what he's saying. It is futile. It
gets me nowhere. Like it or not, it doesn't achieve the desired result:
releasing the
upset.
In this regard, it's neither effective nor successful. I'm faced with a
choice: would I rather blame someone and be right about
who's to blame? Or would I rather give up blaming and being right, and
have the
upset
be gone? Suddenly it's a no brainer. This technology for dismantling an
upsetworks.
But to apply it, I first have to stop blaming. He's bang on the
money.
Blaming is futile. As they say in the classics, blaming is like peeing
in your pants: you know it doesn't do you any good, but it gives you a
nice warm feeling.
As we speak, more opens up for me: the freedom which becomes available
once I realize it's futile. He's speaking about the freedom to make new
choices, the freedom to invent new possibilities. He's not
merely saying "It's futile, so drop it" - you know, the
business as
usual
conversation in this regard. Rather, he's speaking about getting to
futile like a freedom.