"I'm pretty certain that when people get stuck in grief or as victims,
that what keeps them stuck is the significance - not
what happened.
You know, that's a terrible thing to say to somebody who's been
victimized, to somebody who's lost someone close to them. But I'm
sorry: I know that that's where I've got to get ultimately."
...
This essay,
The Significance - Not
What Happened,
is the twenty third in the complete group of
Experiences Of A Friend
(click
here
for the open group
Experiences Of A Friend II):
The clarity of it just rocks me. You've just expounded books and books
and books and hours and hours and hours if not years of
research and analysis in one terse sentence. You're not blaming anyone
for anything - in this case, grief stricken people and / or those who
are the victim of someone or some thing, a crime maybe (I could add
specifics: victims of rape, victims of war atrocities ... you know the
list could go on and on and on). You're not even saying who or what's
responsible for
what happened.
Heck, you're not even suggesting a cure for or even a way
out of
what happened.
You're simply making an assertion about what keeps people stuck: it's
the significance - not what
happened.
It's just an assertion. And Man! It's awesome.
On another occasion we could focus on whether or not there's someone or
something to blame. On yet another occasion we could focus on who or
what's responsible. But not this time. This time we're just focusing on
what keeps us stuck. There's
what happened,
whatever it was. Then there's the significance. For most people
(almost everyone actually - including me ie especially me)
it's
what happened
which keeps us stuck: someone died, someone left us, someone raped us,
a gang of terrorists damaged our livelihood etc etc ... and
that's what keeps us stuck. There's a lot of agreement in
the world
that it's
what happened,
whatever it was, that keeps us stuck.
But no. It's not that. You're saying it's the significance
that keeps us stuck - not
what happened.
A 100 watt light bulb
goes off in my brain. My first thought is "WOW!". My second thought is
"You're amazing. How did you figure that out?". And my third is "I have
very little say in
what happened.
I do have some say in what I make significant. And you, Sir, just put
me right back in complete charge of my life!".
We make no distinction regarding the
source
of significance in life. It's a gray area. And we leave it gray. We say
certain things and events are significant. But we don't claim
authorship of the significance which is assigned to things and events.
The key for me, I realize, is to own being the author of
what occurs for me as significant in my life. Being the author of what
occurs for me as significant in my life, isn't to take the
blame for it. It's just a stone cold flat footed
look at the
source
of significance in my life.
Listen:
nothing
is significant. Really!
Nothing.
Things and events in and of themselves have no
significance ... at least not until I deem them to be
significant. And mostly when I deem them to be significant, I do so
automatically. Now you've differentiated between
what happened,
and the significance ... and you're asserting that being stuck is not a
function of
what happened
but rather a function of the significance - and as I'm
listening
to you, I'm thinking to myself "Oh ... my ...
God! ...".
This may be, I would
imagine,
one of the ways those people who've gotten themselves unstuck from
being raped, have accomplished this; indeed, it may be one of the ways
those people who've gotten themselves unstuck from being held in Nazi
concentration camps, have accomplished this.
I let in again "I have very little say in
what happened.
I do have some say in what I make significant.". It's one of those
moments of pure epiphany: even if I can't change
what happened,
indeed even if it's too late to change
what happened,
I can always choose to be responsible for the significance. And the
proof of your assertion is the index of stuckness takes a sudden and
dramatic nosedive the moment I take responsibility for the
significance. The hypothesis has been tested and found to be valid.
But here's the thing: it may not even be necessary to take
responsibility for the significance of a thing or event in order to
get unstuck - as useful and as
heroic
as it may be to do so. It may actually be sufficient to simply make
the distinction between significance, and
what happened,
in order to get unstuck.
