It's inevitable. When I
speak
about these
Conversations For
Transformation
(which is to say when I
speaktheseConversations For
Transformation
- the "about" is
redundant), I
speak
you. And when I
speak
you, I notice some people, for the most part, don't
get
my distinguishing you as "friend". "So he's a
master?"
they ask. "Actually 'friend'
works
better" I say, "much, much better.". "'Guru' maybe?" they
counter-offer, looking for congruence. "No it's not that, really it
isn't". I'm emphatic: "You don't convey what's possible when you
express it in either of those terms. There's an
ordinarymutuality that's available in the term 'friend' that's not
there in either
'master'
or in 'guru', even though both of them have a certain dignity and
validity to them. It's in its
ordinary
mutuality that 'friend's
extraordinarypower
lies.".
The penciled schedule in my Letts of London diary tells me
it's
time
to prepare ie to generate the space for our upcoming meeting. It's a
recurring task I relish. Blank white sheets of paper cover my desk.
Soon they'll be filled with
my notes.
This approach is unique for me with you. It doesn't
happen
this way with other people, not even with other friends. There's not
merely something unique in this approach for me with you. It's I also
notice each of my prior meetings with you, have a similar sequence to
them which I haven't noticed until now, and which I didn't plan. Yet
there's a familiar three-phase unfolding to what almost always seems to
happen.
First I offer an inventory of my
personal
life (as distinct from my public life) and of my
children's
lives. This is, after all,
where the rubber meets the
road
for all of us. If it could be said there's one quintessential impact
point of
transformation,
then it's
family.
Sharing the impact of
transformation
in our lives as
family,
is so intrinsic to
your work
that it's probably
true
to say it wouldn't exist at all without sharing. When I share my life
with you (which is to say when I share my life, period - and
particularly with you), things open up which were once
shut down; I
get
things are alright which I once doubted were alright.
Clearlythere's
magic
in the sharing.
Sharing my life and my
children's
lives with you, is never a perfunctory formality. When you ask how we
are, it cuts to
the heart
of the matter. And I'm
committed
that whatever I share in response to you, is also no mere formality.
I'm
committed
that I bring forward whatever's going on in our lives, as my gift to
you. There's
nothing
flippant or trivial about sharing where life's
working
- which also, by the way, allows it to
work
where it may not currently be
working.
The second phase is when I get to ask the
questions
I want to ask, the ones on
my pages and pages of
notes,
yet for which I don't always have private access to you to ask. These
are the kinds of
questions
most everyone wants to ask, I suppose, and yet don't get the
opportunity to ask. What I notice about this is as I grow in
this work,
there are fewer and fewer
questions
for me to ask - but that's not because I'm any less inquisitive: I
actually have more unanswered
questions
now in my life than I've ever had. Rather it's because as and when
questions
come up, I'm more
empowered
ie I'm more willing to look and see if I can answer them for myself,
rather than looking to someone else to answer them for me.
The truth
is all input is useful. Yet asking for your input when I haven't
inquired into the issues for myself, is one order of
business.
It's another order of
business
entirely when I get your input into areas I've already inquired into.
With the former, it's
clear
to me I haven't fully
stepped up
to the plate. The thing is
around you,
there's simply no point in
playing
at all unless I
step up
fully to the plate, and bat - as if my life depends on it.
Then there's the third phase. Although it comes last, it's actually the
one I always want to
begin
with. I just can't wait to get to it. Yet the way our meetings
naturally
unfold, we always go through the first two phases to get to the third.
The third phase is what's revealed once the first phase and its
introductions is complete, and once the second phase and its
questions
is complete. The third phase is what's left (which is to say, what's
available) when everything else has been handled and is
out of the way. There's now
nothing
else more pressing to do than just being together in fellowship and
relationship.
It's the most profound, the most astonishing, the most
marvelous,
and by the far the most
anticipated
phase of each of the
times
I've had the
privilege
of
being around you.
This is when the distinction "friend" can fully
show up
- in both the
cosmic
as well as in the
human
sense ... but especially in the
human
sense. The former is awesome. It's the latter which is
miraculous.
To be sure, I harbor a consideration that our
time
together, isn't necessarily the best use of your
time.
Really I do. So I'll end the meeting when we're done, even if our
allocated
time
hasn't expired, even if I don't want it to end. Your
time
is best spent
writing
and developing the material your life has always been
committed
to / given for ie doing what you're best at. It's when I realize how
getting
out of your way and allowing you to do what you do best, is the
greatest gift I can give you (even to the point of relinquishing and
giving up my precious moments with you) that I discover I'm capable of
a selfless
generosity
I didn't realize I was capable of. It's
clear
what's possible for me (which is to say us) to get from
being around you.
Even more astonishing is what it's possible to get from
notbeing around you.
<aside>
That's very
Zen.
It's very beautiful. And it used to
drive
me crazy when I tried to figure it out - so I don't anymore.
<un-aside>
In the end where all this preparation leaves me, is: my
children
are fine and I'm fine too, and I can answer my own
questions
(or at least launch my own
powerful
inquiry into the issues), and I'm also clear the way you've
committed
your life, calls on me to give up my
attachments.
All that said, there's
nothing
more worthwhile than just
being around you
and
conversing.
Nothing.
This is
the way
"friend" renders
transformation
into
the world
of people. I'm looking forward to it again. Really.