She's a good
friend,
and what she
shared
with me got me
thinking.
Now to be clear, there's no
rigor
in saying it that way.
Thinking
got
me - that's more like it. But what we say colloquially is
it "... got me
thinking",
code for "Something of interest engaged me.". That said, saying it "...
got me
thinking"
is
good enough for
jazz.
Here's what got me
thinking:
she's been a
graduate
for many years, almost as long as I have. She had an argument with a
family member with whom she disagreed on a point of setting boundaries
for children. The conversation got heated, and at some point she got
upset.
"Well?" I said, hanging back. "I shouldn't have, I know better" she
rued. "And so what?!" I countered (she hadn't yet put forth enough
substance for a worthwile conversation). "I got
upset"
she said (like there's
something
wrong
with
being upset),
"that's what.". "And so? ..." I said, letting it trail off and hang in
the air, wanting her to ante more before I committed to the
conversation.
Could she be measuring her transformation by how frequently or
infrequently she got
upset?
People do. And that's what got me
thinking:
would a champion athlete be disappointed in her or his physical
performance
if they had to
sleep?
That's a non sequitur, yes? Even champions
sleep,
as even transformed human beings get
upset.
While the idea of transforming lives (your own and others') may be
noble, pushing yourself ie expecting yourself to never be
upset,
may not be all that noble. It may be just another winning
formula. I know (at least I can hazard a guess at) her
background conversation:
it's in effect that she's engaged in the work of transformation for so
long now that she shouldn't get
upset
anymore! Look: that's not likely to happen. Not ever. Human
beings, being human, are prone to get
upset
from time to time, no matter how transformed they may consider
themselves to be. There's not much that can be done about that, given
the machinery's constructed the way it is.
There is however, a choice in the matter of who we'll
be in the face of
being upset.
And taking that on, is the
access
to transformation in the midst of
being upset.
But to not get
upsetat all? To assume that, is to be unclear about the
machinery which comprises a human being (note: electing to
stay unclear, is a survival ploy, a mechanism). "Even
champions
sleep"
I mused, to which she responded "And what do you mean by that?". I said
(something like) "In your way of looking at this, transformed people
should never get
upset
- like champions should never
sleep.
If both of those scenarios were true, neither champions nor transformed
people would be human. The
trouble
is: we are. So we need another
context
for this, a
context
that allows both to be human. And given both already are
human, distinguishing a new
context
would actually be the easier route. Also, remember this: being
transformed isn't distinguished by never
being upset.
Being transformed is distinguished by generating a new
context
for who we really are. And this new
context
for who we really, is
bigger
than and includes and allows for
being upset
from time to time.".
For many people, that would have been hard to follow. For her, it
wasn't. Her relief was both immediate and palpable. It's good to be
reminded of it from time to time - and I'm not just directing that
observation
at her: I'm including myself in it too. It's good (it's a relief,
actually) when others remind me of it from time to time: I'm
transformed for as long as I'm transformed ... until I notice that I'm
no longer being transformed ie until I get
upset.
The thing is as soon as I can own
being upset,
I can generate being transformed again. Oh, if it's true that there's a
discipline of being transformed? then this is what it is,
and this is all it is. It's profoundly
subtle.
"So what are you going to do now?" I asked. "I'm going to clean it up
with (the person with whom she got
upset)"
she replied. "Wow! That's
big,
courageous. I'll bet you'll find out
communicating
even the same argued ideas, when you're notupset,
renders them more
listenable.".
"It's true!" she said. I could tell she got it. Again.