What You've Really Been Withholding Is
"I Love You"
Barnhouse Napa Brews, Napa, California, USA
June 1, 2026
"When you've said all of the bad things and all of the good things you
haven't been saying, you will find that what you've really been
withholding is
'I love you'."
...
Werner's
work presents us with the possibility of being transformed (as is now
universally accepted). At first, being transformed is an essentially
individual experience. And I say that from
the point of view
of each participant in
Werner's work,
a point of view
that the flagship delivery of transformation takes into account and
accommodates (it ought to, given
the wayhuman beings
are). All generic experiences we have (at least
to begin with)
are uniquely ours. The experience of being transformed is no different.
The experience of being transformed
begins
at the level of individual. It starts as an individual
experience.
Then as we grow into and live out of the new experience of being
transformed, it soon becomes very obvious that
being human,
we're really a lot more like each other than we may want to acknowledge
ie we're not so unique after all. And so neither are our experiences.
It's tantamount to arrogance to assume there's something special about
our individual experience ie something unique about moi
(the adage says "We're either all special ... or none of
us are.").
Eventually the next iteration of
Werner's work
presents itself, which is: becoming immersed in the possibility of
experiencing transformation at the level of group. A "group" in
this sense is any two or more
people
together. At first when I as an individual experience transformation, I
get the transformation of Self, and to a certain extent I also
get the transformation of Self in
the world.
When we speak transformation of Self and Self in
the world,
it brings forth the possibility of speaking transformation of Self and
Self in
the world
at the level of group, which completes our transformation at the level
of individual.
Suddenly there's more to be spoken, a lot more. That's
because it's what
people
at the level of group naturally do: we speak with one another. And one
of the first items on the agenda that being transformed at the level of
group calls for, is speaking what hasn't been spoken ie
addressing whatever has been withheld. When we speak everything we
haven't spoken ie when we
tell the truth
about what / that we've been withholding, that's when we're most likely
to
discover
there's one communication behind it all which we withhold from
people.
What is it that's behind everything we've not been saying, been hiding,
been covert about? It's critical because it's gets very obvious that
being transformed doesn't go well in any scenario in which
communication is withheld.
Werner's
extraordinary assertion is that what you've really been withholding is
"I love you".
Prior to all unspoken judgements, is
"I love you".
Prior to all unspoken resentments, is
"I love you".
Prior to all unspoken
opinions,
is
"I love you".
When you 'fess up to all your covert judgements, when you let go of
unspoken resentments, when you drop all unfavorable
opinions,
behind it all (so to speak) you'll find what you've really
been withholding is
"I love you".
On closer scrutiny, what's amazing about that is this: all those
unexpressed items are made up by us. No kidding! We make up
judgements about
people,
we withhold that we did that, then we act as if they're
true.
We also make up resentments about
people,
we withhold that we did that, then we act as if they're
true.
We also make up
opinions
about
people,
we withhold that we did that, then we act as if they're
true.
But the communication that's behind it all, the
"I love you",
is just there like a baseline behind all other
communications we've withheld, possibly like a
context
for all the other communications we've been withholding. This baseline
communication is not made up. It's just withheld.
Werner
distinguishes it as
"I love you"
which is who we really are.
Don't rush this. Try it on for size slowly:
"I love you"
... is who we really are! That's extraordinary. That's not
your ordinary, everyday assessment of
people
by
people.
It's
Werner's
brilliance.
I'm not suggesting that as something new to know. I'm saying it to
provide an
access
to who we really are in
the world.
