"The way to handle a monster is to give it lots of space."
...
"The use of force is the negation of power. The person you refer to
when you say 'I', that person's weapon is force. Whatever you are
other than the thing called 'I', that's power."
Now and then in the 45 years I've been
sharingWerner's work,
there's been a "gorilla in the room", a monster. A "monster" is someone
overly challenging, skeptical, resistant, and closed to the possibility
of transformation - no, someone who thrives on being
overly challenging, skeptical, resistant, and closed in defiance of the
possibility at hand. In any free, open conversation, there is nothing
wrong with being challenging, skeptical, resistant, or closed. It's
when being that way is toxic to
sharing
transformation with the rest of the group, that the monster has to be
handled. And what is the way to handle a monster?
I finally figured it out. What works for me is not getting trapped in
becoming forceful or overly intelligent. It doesn't work. Communicating
transformation is not a function of how
smart
or clever I am. If anything, it's a function of who I be (and of how
at home
I be, being who I be). And if in a conversation for transformation with
a monster, I resort to making my point by being convincing, that's not
going to work either. If anything, communicating transformation is a
function of
being enrolling,
not of being convincing. And if in a conversation with a monster, I
resort to making my point by explaining, that's definitely not going to
work. Look: getting the possibility of transformation isn't a function
of understanding an explanation (if anything, that will only get in its
way).
All three of the above have dubious impacts on authentic communication,
and marginal impacts on communicating transformation with a monster
in the face of
the opportunity to communicate transformation simply by
demonstrating
it ie by being
free to be and free to
act.
That's
where the rubber meets the
road.
And if and when I'm in a conversation with a monster, and I'm
not being
free to be and free to
act,
that's definitely not going to be it. How can it? If
anything, it shows I'm unclear on the concept which only
goads a monster with red meat for being more challenging, skeptical,
resistant, and closed.
It's pernicious
devolving
a conversation for transformation by being intelligent and convincing,
and when that fails, by explaining. It's natural for a monster to
resist
transformation. Our human machinery is designed to
resist
transformation. So when I noticed how challenged I was by a monster's
resistance
to transformation, I figured out something that works: cut it some
slack. I cut it a lot of slack. That's the
way to handle a monster. What does that look like? What does to "cut it
a lot of slack" mean? It means
"give it lots of space".
And what does
"The way to handle a monster
is to give it lots of space"
mean?
Don't get drawn in. One of the first tenets of martial arts is to not
relinquish power by being drawn in. Another tenet of martial arts is to
not be where the blow is struck. Just don't be
there. Be in your experience of
Werner's work
and transformation, not where the monster be's. Listen. Thank the
monster for being in the conversation. Don't try to one-up or win. You
don't have to. Transformation is fait accompli. Sooner or
later, the monster will get that. Really.
Don't try to show him the error of his ways. Rather, be the one who's
OK in your own experience. You don't do that by winning the argument.
You do that by being it. Who the monster is being, is intrinsically
dissatisfying. He wants what you got, but he's too
ego-driven
to try it on. Yet monsters do try it on. And when they do, they get it.
Then they may regret not trying it on sooner. I know that for certain.
How? Because before
I met Werner,
I was a monster.
