"You can take your word back, and what you get then is your old life
back."
...
answering Laurence Platt's question "Is it authentic for
me, once I give my word, to ever take it back?" in
We Are The
Word
This essay,
On Being Not Of Word,
is the companion piece to
Honoring Your Word.
When I was younger (so much younger than today) I was a much more
naïve-er me. I had it that
keeping my word
was my baseline measure of integrity. That's a pretty good yardstick
actually - at least that's what I thought back then. I had it that if I
gave my word ie if I made a promise, then
kept my word,
I was in integrity - and if I didn't, I wasn't. With that said, if you
scroll back chronologically through this collection of essays, you'll
find many references in them to my naïve-er, earlier
"keeping-my-word-measure-of-integrity"
yardsticks, almost all of which which now occur for me as mildly
embarrassing - indeed they're awkward for me to read now.
To be sure,
keeping your word
is a good place to start the conversation for the possibility of being
in integrity. But for me now (having grown up a bit since those days)
I see it is, in and of itself, not comprehensive enough. Given what I
now know, it's actually shot full of
gaping holes.
I get that now. I didn't get it back then.
Here's an example of what I'm talking about - in the form of a scenario
and a question. The scenario: you give your word / promise you'll come
over to my place at three o'clock (and you're a person of your word so
you have integrity). During the drive over there's an
earthquake.
Out of an abundance of caution the BATA (Bay
Area Toll Authority) closes all the bridges. You
won't make it to my place at three o'clock as promised - indeed, you
won't make it to my place today at all. Now it's four o'clock
and you're not here. You didn't
keep your word
to be here at three o'clock. The question: given you didn't
keep your word,
are you out of integrity?
The answer is: it "depends" ie it's both "Yes" and "No.". Let's examine
both - and if it's "Yes", notice you're not necessarily
out of integrity even if you don't
keep your word!
(getting that, was the breakthrough for me). It's "Yes" if you
don't let me know you won't be
keeping your word.
And conversely it's "No" if you let me know you won't be
keeping your word.
Letting me know you won't be
keeping your wordwhen you know you won't be
keeping your word,
is one of the actions
Werner
includes under the umbrella of
"honoring" your
word.
And that's how I discovered that
keeping my word
is not my baseline measure of integrity after all. That
was the naïveté. My baseline measure of integrity is
honoring my word
- and I can
honor my wordeven when I don't (ie even if I can't)
(Earthquake!)keep my word.
Both not
keeping your word
and / or taking your word back after you've given it, are only out of
integrity when you don't
honor your word.
Even if I can't
keep my word,
indeed even if I flat-out change my mind later about
keeping my word
and take my word back, my integrity is in violation only when I don't
honor my word.
What's different between
keeping my word
and
honoring my word,
beyond being in integrity by letting you know I won't be
keeping my word?
The difference is in the relationship I have with my word.
Try this on: stand in (if you will)
"keeping your
word".
Notice your word, who you are, and the relationship between your word
and who you are. Now stand in
"honoring your
word".
Again, notice your word, who you are, and the relationship between your
word and who you are. In the former, your word is static, who you are
is almost not
present,
and the relationship between the two, is under duress. In the latter,
your word is dynamic / worthy of honor, who you are is
present
and
generous,
and the relationship between the two, is one of mutual, assured
respect. To not
honor your word
is to be a person not of word.
When I'm being not of word, I'm not merely living in a constant state
of violated integrity. When I'm being not of word, I'm living without
the
presence,
generosity,
and respect of the being of human being. While those options may under
certain conditions appear to be expedient, in actuality they carry way
too high of a price
tag.