I'm
clear
I'm responsible for
the way
I
listen.
That much seems obvious (if not pretty basic) to me. For example, I can
listen
in a
way
which leaves you without having the experience of being heard (I
fidget, I'm distracted, I'm pre-occupied, I interrupt, I change the
subject before you make your point, I talk over you, I don't
get
what you're saying). I can also
listen
in a
way
which leaves you with the experience of being heard (so I focus, I'm
present,
I'm attentive, I'm
quiet,
I allow you to
complete
the point you're making, I
speak
only when you're done
speaking,
I
get
what you're saying). Whichever of these
ways
I
listen,
it's
clear
to me the responsibility for
the way
I
listen,
is mine. As a direct correlation, what's also
clear
to me is the responsibility for whether or not you have the experience
of being heard by me, is mine too.
Conversely when you
listen,
you can
listen
in a
way
which leaves me without having the experience of being heard. You can
also
listen
in a
way
which leaves me with the experience of being heard. What I've been
inquiring
into lately, is: with regard to having the experience of being heard by
you or not, do I have a responsibility in this ie do I have a
responsibility in
the wayyou hear me? I
get
the vice versa for sure:
clearly
I have a responsibility for
how
I
listen
ie for
how
I hear you. But do I have a responsibility for
howyoulisten
ie for
how
you hear me? I toss a pebble into the pond.
Clearly
I'm responsible for tossing it. But can I take any responsibility for
how
it lands? Indeed, is it even an option to assume I can take any
responsibility for
how
it lands? If I can, and if tossing a pebble represents
communication,
then
communication
would
ascend
out of the realm of mere chat, and into the domain of
transformed relationship:
being responsible for what we say and for being heard.
Ordinarily
we may say the answer is no ie that we can not take that
responsibility, and nor do we even have the ability to
take that responsibility. We may say
the way
you hear me, is
the way
you hear me regardless of what I say, regardless of
the way
I say it, and even regardless of whether I want to experience being
heard or not. That would seem to be the default conclusion. But where
it
beginsgettinginteresting
is if there is some heretofore unknown responsibility I have for
the way
you hear me. In other
words,
I'm
wondering
in effect if I have a responsibility for my own experience of being
heard by you or not. And if I do, what does it look like for me? ie
what does that imply? Conversely, do you have a
responsibility for being heard by me or not? And if you do, what does
it look like for you? ie what does that imply?
When I take responsibility for being heard by you (which is tantamount
to taking responsibility for
how
you hear me ie for
the way
you
listen
me), it is a
stand
I take with regard to being in
completecommunication.
Said another
way,
it's a
stand
I take for what's
possible
for being in
communication.
And as a
stand
I take for what's
possible
for being in
communication,
it has a profound impact on
how
I
communicate,
on
how
you
listen,
then consequently on my experience of being heard by you.
It's here ie it's around about now that the difference
between mere talking, as differentiated from
speaking,
comes into
play.
Consider
they're really distinct modes of
languaging
- whether or not you've
considered
this distinction as a
possibility
before ie whether or not you've ever differentiated between talking and
speaking
before. For what I
intend
here ie for the purposes of this conversation, what I mean by "talking"
is merely making noise which carries no
trueintention
of landing (it's actually ignorant of this option). It carries no
trueintention
of being heard. It brings forth no
"presence of
Self"
in its execution. And what I mean by
"speaking"
on the other hand, carries with it the
intention
of landing. And it more than brings forth
presence of Self:
it is the
linguistic
act
which ispresence of Self
itself. When distinguished this
way,
talking provides merely space-filling sound - whereas
speaking
provides
common
ground for being, for
listening,
for engaged
presence,
and (here's the point of this
inquiry)
for being
completely
heard. It is in differentiating between talking and
speaking
that the
possibility
of being responsible for being heard, is teased out.